How many people in the world you think would benefit from love and relationship advice?

How many people in the world face, or have ever faced, crises in their relationships?

Are you one of those people who does not feel in love anymore? Maybe you recently split up, or perhaps you realise that you are not like what you used to be before?

Or maybe you are getting tired of seeing that no man/woman can satisfy you, or to see that you keep getting rejected.

You must know that these problems are widespread nowadays, but that luckily, there are a lot of solutions available to solve them.

The best love and relationship advice focuses on the comprehension of emotional scars that reside in our subconscious. These can arise by unmet needs experienced at an early age, which will later determine what characteristics an individual expects/desires from his partner.

No one teaches us how to have a robust relationship: how to make it last longer and with consistently high levels of love.

Even if several aspects must be taken in consideration to maintain a healthy and lovable relationship, one of the most critical factors for a healthy relationship, is the comprehension of any old subconscious mental instructions that have been installed in our brain, due to a trauma received in our childhood. 

In this article, we will talk about how unmet childhood needs subconsciously shape our current relationships with partners, and how to finally overcome these limiting beliefs.

If uncured, these unmet needs will potentially keep creating the same negative scenarios with all of our partners, over and over again.

The Illusion Of Familiarity


Same make us feel safe! We tend to avoid what is unfamiliar.

We are all hard-wired to find a partner that reminds us of our past!!

Unfortunately, nowadays, most of the people had a childhood with some sorts of problem.

For example, maybe your father was always busy working; maybe your mom had a form of addiction; perhaps you were the fourth kid of the family, and no one was listening to your opinion, because it did not matter; etc.

Photo by Luis Galvez 

Whatever the nature of the trauma received in childhood, it created an unmet need, a need that will continuously be looked for, in any future relationship of our life.

To free ourselves from this unmet need, we need to understand that we are no longer children: as such, we do not have the same family needs that we used to have when we were children.

This is the reason why the trauma is part of our past, and cannot be part of our present anymore.

Once we free ourselves from this past unmet need, we will stop seeking fulfilment for the emptiness it left in us.

This detachment will represent the beginning of a new way of living, where we are free from our past blocks, and where we can become familiar to fresh and healthy relationships, that will have nothing to do with our past.

To create new and unfamiliar, but constructive relationships, repeat in your mind: “You do not need people from your past to love you!! You need you to love you! And I will make this familiar”.

The more you will repeat it, and the more you will act towards it, the more it will become your reality. Fake it until you make it true.

Engagement


The best love and relationship advice, for high-quality level relationships, is to ensure the existence and future development of:

  1. Best Friends Chemistry
  2. Sexual Chemistry
  3. Respect

1) You also need someone that cares about you when you are sick, that jokes with you, understand you, supports you!

2) This is what makes your relationship special… THIS IS VERY BONDING!!

3) Respectful relationships last way longer than “super amazing sex” ones.
People who cheat do it because they need to find a new experience, not because they are looking for a new partner.

But if you learn to develop with your partner points 1, 2 and 3, your need to have an experience with another person becomes way less interesting.

You have a responsibility for making you feel good. Responsibility means: “an ability to respond”. If you are responsible, if you have a responsibility, then you respond to your needs, rather than having someone else to fix all your needs.

How is your current relationship? Do you see any strange trends that may connect you with your past, unmet, needs?

Typical Negative Beliefs About Relationships


LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND!

You try to change something external when the thing that is blocking you from love is internal!! The emotional blocks are the things that hinder you from love.

Typical emotional blocks are:

All human behaviour is geared towards making sure we survive and don’t get rejected!!!

You do not have love because you believe you are not lovable enough to find the kind of person you want! And that is because, as a child, you had

UNMET NEEDS!

You need to meet your own needs!

2 MOST COMMON BELIEFS

1. My childhood didn’t meet any needs. It’s my fault. I am unlovable, so I am never going to find anyone better.

2. My childhood didn’t meet my needs. I need to find someone to meet my needs.

Give up the belief you have to find someone perfect to make you better!! You have to meet your own needs.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIND LOVE!!

If you want to break this constant subconscious search for needs that were caused by traumas, write out the unmet needs that you had when you were a child.

Reflect on who you expect to meet your needs (There is only one person that can do it: YOU!).

This visualization, made by Therapist Marisa Peer, incredibly helps you discover what your unmet needs are. Ask someone else to calmly and gently read this out for you and, if possible, play some relaxing music on the background, such as relaxing piano music, nature sounds, etc.:

Imagine you were yourself when you were a child, and that you are starring at a road where you are feeling your unmet needs. What are these unmet needs?

Now, the old version of you (who you are now) goes in front of this child (the young version of you), and asks him to follow you!

You bring him to your own current house, where you have a fridge full of food, and you show this fridge to this kid (maybe, for example, you never had a fridge full of food)

You also show him your current bedroom, a big and comfortable room where you have all the space you want for yourself.

Now you are this kid again… and you go around and can drive your car; then you go to withdraw some money at the closest ATM; you can do that because you are not a child anymore, as you now are an abundant adult.

Then you say to the younger version of yourself: you are this now… you are an abundant adult, and as an adult, those unmet needs that made you suffer when you were a kid, ARE NO LONGER RELEVANT TO YOU!!

This is the reason why those old unmet needs are no longer affecting you negatively nowadays.”

Now you are free from your past negative consequences of feeling your unmet needs!

What a fantastic visualisation work, right?

Be safe, be happy, BE ABUNDANT 🙂

Damaging Relationship Patterns


We play the only part we have ever known until that part becomes our own!

When we are born, if we are fortunate, we have a mother and father who love us, believe in us and let us know how lovable we are. We grow up expecting to recreate that, and we do it. In this case, there is no need for any love and relationship advice, not for the parents, neither for the kids when they will grow up.
Unfortunately, this required love condition is becoming more and more rare.

These are the 4 roles we adopt as kids to fit in and belong, as this is soo effective to fulfil a lack of love:

  1. Get Sick (asthma, eczema, gluten intolerance, in the worst cases life’s hypochondriacs, etc.)
  2. Become an achiever (I must be brilliant at something, athlete, actor, A student)
  3. Become a carer (the majority of people who are carer, become nurses)
  4. Become a rebel (they may not love me, but they’re going to notice me)

You are never going to date someone with the same role:

The nuclear family exists only until you become mature: when you grow up, it becomes your extended family. You need your mom and your dad to survive, with maximum health, only when you are a child!! When you become grown up, you need some friends and a fantastic lover you’re going to have a relationship with.

You might like your parents, want them, BUT NOT NEED THEM!!

Answer the question “which role have you played”?
I personally have played the “get sick” one, then the “become an achiever” one!! Also, for a short period of my life, I played the “become a rebel” one too!

For example, my brother only plays the “get sick” one!!!

REMEMBER: we play the only part we have ever known until we acknowledge that part or until when you say to yourself: “Now it is time to play a new part”.
Why are you playing this part when you left home years ago? You didn’t have a lot of choices back then, but you do have a lot of choices right now.

STOP PLAYING THAT PART!

You can decide to stop playing the role you’ve been playing. Love doesn’t need to be earned, worked for, paid for or chased after.

We very rarely can choose the role we play in our family: we take the part that is left. This is why the fourth child, or the third child, is often a rebellious one.And the first one is often the good one, or indeed the academic one, but not always.

Which role have you played in your life? Reflect on it! Visualise yourself taking now a new role!

Personal Love


We choose people who share our vulnerability, as this is incredibly appealing for us!

Imperfections make us like people more!!

To be lovable, you need to be your real, authentic self! You have to be you; you can only show up as you! This is fundamentally important. Always!

If you use a dating app, tell the truth!! Say it openly and honestly!
If you want a serious relationship, do not write “just for fun” or “interested in hookups”, because this is not what you truly want.

Things that can shape your personality, and that can make you create unreal desires and needs, are experiences that you had in your childhood, such as:

If you really think you still need that, you’re wrong. Go ahead and let yourself have an adult, great relationship.

The fundamental question is: “what am I looking for in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

Let’s not talk about the aesthetic aspect, because soon or later, you will become used to it too, as you would do with a Porsche: eventually, you will throw candy papers on the floor.

What does your ideal partner want in you? What kind of person are they looking for?

The most important thing is to be honest, to be open, to have a little vulnerable edge (but not too much), not to play games, to know what you want.

LOVABILITY MEANS:
You recognise your gift
You recognise your talents
You know you are lovable

Knowing you are lovable is an inside job.

Go out and find what you want! When you do find your ideal person, express your needs!

Tell your partner what you want!

NOBODY CAN MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS, NOT EVEN YOU!

If you want someone to meet the majority of your needs possible, tell them what they are!!

If you show someone how to treat you, they will treat you that way!!

Become your own coach and cheerleader.

Tell yourself and write down the things you would have wanted to hear from those whose love you were seeking.

Act as if your partner was already there!

Enjoy Life To The Fullest


Life must be lived to the fullest!!

If you always desired a good relationship but you struggled, or keep struggling, to maintain a healthy one, you now know very common and strong reasons that can apply to your case.

These are, for me, the best love and relationship advice that most people need nowadays. We need to know the roots of our problems, we need to remember how to love!

No one is exempt from the rule of unmet needs: if you ever had unmet needs, they must now be identified and resolved. It is not fair that, if you desire having a lovable relationship, you cannot have it because of some subconscious energetic blocks.

I hope that you enjoyed my article, and that it gave you some good food for thought 😉

But if this was not enough, go straight to the source of my knowledge, and deepen your comprehension on these topics:

Ultimate Confidence: The Secrets to Feeling Great About Yourself Every Day

I Am Enough: Mark Your Mirror And Change Your Life

Please, feel free to leave a message below, if you have any questions or feedback 🙂

Alessandro Cipullo
Consciousness Explorer
Wellness Seeker

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